Five Pitfalls of "Divorced and Living in the Same House" (2022)

Why have they done this? Will they overcome the pitfalls? Will this choice be good for the children?

Long Island, NY - October 18, 2018 - Is this a new divorce trend? In the last two months, at our divorce mediation center, the Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation, six different couples have elected to do more than share legal and residential custody of their children. They have decided to divorce and yet continue to live in the same house.

Why have they done this? Will they overcome the pitfalls? Will this choice be good for the children? Let’s explore:

All four couples have much in common that led them to the ‘living in the same house after divorce’ decision.

  • They all have children still living at home.
  • None of the Spouses want to move into apartments or separate houses and lose daily contact with their children – their family. They don’t want to feel alone or too separate.
  • Each of these Spouses say they will feel extreme resentment if they have to leave the house, pay child and spousal support, and see their children infrequently.
  • None of these Spouses have become seriously involved with another during the marriage.
  • Because of their level of conflict and resentment during the marriage, each Spouse has become more focused on the children than on one another.
  • They each take Co-Parenting very seriously and want to be close to their children.
  • Each couple has moved into a good but expensive school districtfor the sake of their children and want to stay there.
  • They can only marginally afford to live in their chosen school district.
  • They cannot afford to establish two independent households in the same school district.
  • Mostly they can talk to each other about the children without getting into old marital patterns of hostility and frustration.

These couples are hopeful that the living together arrangement will work out, but there are obvious pitfalls. Let’s look at some case examples, and then examine the pitfalls and how to get around them.

(Video) 5 Mistakes to Avoid When Divorcing Over 50

Couple 1: Already Living Separately in the House for a Year - Couple 1 has been living separately within the house for a year beforestarting divorce mediation. The father has a bedroom and den down in the walk-out basement. The mother lives on the main floor. When the children come home from school, they go down to dad, who works at home, to do their homework and have a snack. They staywith dad until mom comes home and calls everyone for dinner. Dad eats with the family but makes his own meals most of the time. Holidays are spent together as one big family. No child support is paid. Instead, the Couple shares the bills according to their income.

Couple 2: Dad is House-Husband – The father stopped working when the son was born and became the house-husband (except for a 10-hour per week at home job). Now this Couple is divorcing through mediation. They have decided on living together after divorce. Their reasoning is as follows: the mother, a very high earner, works very long hours in the city and gets home late. She only sees her son on the weekends. If the husband gets residential custody, he does not have enough money, even with spousal and child support, to pay for a nice place for him and his son in their chosen school district.They both want to maintain their son’s current lifestyle. Thus, Couple is going to continue living together.

Case 3: Mother is Disabled – The mother has a debilitating illness, making it impossible for her to work. Two children are over 21, thus beyond the age of child custody and support. The third child is 16. Neither parent wants to uproot the 16-year old. This Couple has decided to share the house until their youngest goes off to college. The husband will continue to pay all bills, including the wife’s healthcare. Once the youngest goes off to college, the Couple will sell the house and go their separate ways.

Now let’s examine 5 key Pitfalls of ‘Living In the Same House After Divorce’ and how to get around them.

Pitfall 1: Children Adversely Affected By Parental Conflict - Children could be adversely affected emotionally, behaviorally and socially if the Parents, living in same house,continue their struggles that led to divorce in the first place.

(Video) Top 5 Mistakes Made In a Divorce

Solution – The solution is to learn to effectively Co-Parent the Children. This means that the Couple must learn to step back from their frustration, anger and hurts. They must learn to respect each other and put aside their difficulties, especially in front of the children. They must learn not to put the children in the middle of their own problems with each other. We recommend and offer professional Co-Parenting help as needed. Please read our article: https://www.lidivorcemediation.com/10-keys-for-successful-co-parenting-after-divorce/

Pitfall 2: Couple Continuing Money Struggles–Our Couples ‘living in same house after divorce’ have all decided to continue the way they have always divided the money and paid the bills – until they end their ‘living in same house’ arrangement. Since some of them had money problems during the divorce, these problems could continue.

Solution –Each Couple needs to create ‘money boundaries’. This can be done by creating a budget, so that each knows how much they need to contribute to the common pot and how much they can keep for themselves. They both need to check on this budget on a weekly basis so that the Spouse who has been less conscious about the spending of money becomes more aware. Our Couples going through this process have all decided to put a percentage of money into the common pot depending on their income – to pay household bills.

Pitfall 3:Lack of Boundaries in Living Arrangements – Living in same house after divorce is very different from living together during marriage.One of the male Spousesin our divorce mediation practice expected his soon-to-be-ex-wife to continue to make him dinner, clean the house and wash his clothes. During the mediation sessions, the wife was enraged at the idea.

Solution –The Couples ‘living in the same house after divorce’ need to learn totreat each other like roommates. They need to start over again and consciously define their living arrangements and expectations of each other. They need to decide together who does what when. New roles need to evolve.

(Video) The 700 Club - August 17, 2022

Pitfall 4: Lack of Boundaries Regarding Outside Relationships – The danger here is that either ex-Spouse, living in the same house, will disrespect the other by bringing an outside relationship into the house, without prior decisions about boundaries and appropriateness.

Solution – The ex-Spouses need to come to clear agreement about outside relationships. The couples we are helping to divorce and live in same house have decided that neither can have other relationships visit them in the house. They have also decided that the children will not meet their outside relationships until they get close enough to want to move out and break the Co-habitation agreement.

Pitfall 5: No Plan for What Happens When One or Both Want to End Living in the Same House– The problem here is that without a Plan to deal with the end of Co-habitation, the Couple will have to start all over again with mediation or litigation. Why? because they could end up in major struggles.

Solution – At the Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation, we have each couple create a Plan B. Plan B is a contingency plan included in the Stipulation of Settlement (divorce agreement) between the ex-Spouses.Plan B will kick into place when one Spouse or another wants to end the ‘Living in Same House’ arrangement. It includes stipulations for custody, support and what happens to the house. It includes what happens and who pays what if the house is to be sold, until it is sold.

Why do we believe Plan B is necessary?

(Video) 5 Mistakes that People Make in Uncontested Divorces!

  1. It is very unlikely that both ex-Spouses will feel satisfied with their co-habitation over many years. Once they start to date and perhaps find new significant others, the ‘living in the same house’ would probably become awkward. Who wants to date a person who goes home to his or her ex-Spouse?
  2. It is still not clear that ‘Living Together in the Same House After Divorce’ is a great idea for the children. Children partially base their future intimate relationships on their parents as role models. How will a non-intimate connection between mom and dad work for the children as they develop? At this point, there is not enough research data on that topic but it is still important to ponder.
  3. Without Plan B in their agreement, ex-Spouses will have to start over to formulate a financial and custodial plan. They will have to go through the divorcing process again as if they are not divorced, even though they are already divorced.

5 Pitfalls For ‘Divorced and Living in the Same House’ - Spouses Might:

  1. Continue Struggles In Front of Children
  2. Fight Over Money Due to Lack of Clarity
  3. Treat Each Other With Disrespect and Lack of Boundaries
  4. Create Unnecessary Distress By Bringing Outside Relationships Into the House
  5. End up in major Conflict at the End of Co-Habitation.

5 Tips For 5 Pitfalls For‘Divorced and Living in the Same House’ – Spouses Need to:

  1. Develop Good Co-Parenting Skills
  2. Create a Workable Financial Plan
  3. Show Respect and Define Roommate Boundaries
  4. Set Up Guidelines for Outside Relationships
  5. Create a Plan B for the Ending of Co-Habitation

What do you think? Would you live like this? Let us know at 631-757-1554 or by sending an email to https://www.lidivorcemediation.com. There, you can read about the divorce mediation process as well as our divorcing services.

About the Author – Dr. Diane Kramer, Suffolk County Divorce Mediator, Psychologist and Co-Parenting Expert, is partners with her husband, Fred Klarer, Divorce Lawyer and Divorce Mediator, in the Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation. The Long Island Center for Divorce Mediation offers comprehensive divorce mediation services at reasonable prices at two offices in Suffolk County – Huntington and Yaphank.

Please contact Dr. Diane at 631-757-1554 to set up a free Divorce Mediation Session or a Co-Parenting Session. info@lidivorcemediation.com; https://www.lidivorcemediation.com.

(Video) The 5 Financial Planning Pitfalls During Divorce With Carol Lee Roberts

Dr. Kramer was a full Professor of Psychology at Nassau Community College for 40 years. She currently runs both her marital therapy and her divorce mediation practices. Her Extraordinary Self eCourses, in partnership with Donna Anselmo of Bold Marketing Solutions, are about to launch on her own elearning platform.

Diane won the Long Island Business and Professional Women’s Center Achiever Award in 2007. She is a member of the New York State Council on Divorce Mediation and of the Suffolk County Psychological Association. Diane has written two books: The Creativity Game (1986) and the soon-to-be-published: Marriage or Divorce: When to Hold and When to Fold.

FAQs

Five Pitfalls of "Divorced and Living in the Same House"? ›

5 Pitfalls For 'Divorced and Living in the Same House' - Spouses Might:
  • Continue Struggles In Front of Children.
  • Fight Over Money Due to Lack of Clarity.
  • Treat Each Other With Disrespect and Lack of Boundaries.
  • Create Unnecessary Distress By Bringing Outside Relationships Into the House.
Oct 18, 2018

How do I live with my ex husband in the same house? ›

7 Ground Rules for Living Together While Divorcing
  1. Create a new budget. ...
  2. Allocate responsibilities around the house. ...
  3. Don't sleep with your ex-spouse. ...
  4. Establish boundaries. ...
  5. Plan to live separately. ...
  6. Don't fight in front of your children. ...
  7. Don't use the kids as leverage. ...
  8. Tip 1.

Can you be divorced and live in the same house in California? ›

A majority of states, including California, do not have rules regarding whether spouses can live together during divorce, which allows you to get a divorce and still live together. There are many reasons you might want to live together during a divorce.

Can divorced couples live in the same house? ›

In most states, divorcing couples are allowed to live together. In those states, if a separation date is required for the paperwork, you use the date that one or both of you decided to end the marriage.

What to do when you break up but live together? ›

7 steps to take when you break up but live together:
  1. Hold logistic conversations separate from the relationship conversation. ...
  2. Set a firm move-out date. ...
  3. Respect your new ideas of space. ...
  4. Have a detailed finances conversation. ...
  5. Divide possessions equitably. ...
  6. Set new boundaries. ...
  7. Fill up your social calendar and ask friends for help.
Jun 2, 2021

Can I sleep with my wife during divorce? ›

Answer: There are no court rules or statutes that prevent a husband and wife from sleeping together before, during or after a divorce.

Can I live with my ex husband after divorce? ›

Beyond considerations involving child support and alimony, just as a divorced couple is free to cohabitate with whoever they want, they may also cohabitate together. Living together after divorce is a legitimate move that they can make. And there are couples who are getting divorced but staying together happily.

What can you not do during a divorce? ›

What Not To Do During Divorce
  • Never Act Out Of Spite. You may feel the impulse to use the court system to get back at your spouse. ...
  • Never Ignore Your Children. ...
  • Never Use Kids As Pawns. ...
  • Never Give In To Anger. ...
  • Never Expect To Get Everything. ...
  • Never Fight Every Fight. ...
  • Never Try To Hide Money. ...
  • Never Compare Divorces.
Nov 23, 2020

Is staying together better than divorce? ›

There's evidence suggesting staying together for a child may not be helpful when the relationships are strained, volatile, or violent; and there's evidence that staying together is better than splitting even if tension remains.

Should I sleep in the same bed as my ex? ›

The most important rule that you must set in place is that you and your ex can never share a bed if you are living together after a breakup. Sleeping on the same bed will definitely lead to cuddling and eventually sex. Even sleeping in the same bedroom can be risky because there will be virtually no privacy.

How do you walk away from someone you love? ›

Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him. You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.

How long does it take to get over someone you truly loved? ›

According to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a relationship ends.

How many divorced couples still sleep together? ›

More than 25 percent of divorced people admitted to having sex with their ex after they separated, according to the results. Bravo commissioned the survey of more than 1,000 married and divorced adults. The results, released today (Nov.

Can text messages be used in court to prove adultery? ›

You may hear about an affair through gossip or your circle of friends, but this is not enough for the court. Our clients sometimes ask if things like text messages or online messaging count as proof – and often, the answer is yes.

What do you call a woman who dates a married man? ›

mistress. noun. a woman who is having a sexual relationship with a married man.

Do I have to support my wife after divorce? ›

As long as the couple remains married, the court does not set a time limit on spousal support. Maintenance on the other hand, is support the higher-earning spouse pays after the divorce is finalized.

Is it normal to live with your ex husband? ›

Although you may find yourself living with an ex after a breakup, remember that it's not an uncommon situation, and try to make the best of it. Self-care after divorce is extremely important to helping you regain your confidence. Establish boundaries with your ex and make the space you need to take care of yourself.

What is nesting in separation? ›

Sometimes referred to as “bird-nesting”, this concept is put into practice while experiencing a separation or divorce and refers to a transitional arrangement where parents continue to share the family home and take turns being “on duty” with their children, according to Collaborative Practice Marin.

What are the 5 stages of divorce? ›

There are two processes in divorce.

The emotional process can be broken down into 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

What not to do before you get divorced? ›

Top 10 Things NOT to Do When You Divorce
  • Don't Get Pregnant. ...
  • Don't Forget to Change Your Will. ...
  • Don't Dismiss the Possibility of Collaborative Divorce or Mediation. ...
  • Don't Sleep With Your Lawyer. ...
  • Don't Take It out on the Kids. ...
  • Don't Refuse to See a Therapist. ...
  • Don't Wait Until After the Holidays. ...
  • Don't Forget About Taxes.
May 2, 2022

What a man should ask for in a divorce settlement? ›

A detailed parenting-time schedule—including holidays!

It's in your best interest, and more importantly in the best interest of the children, that you have a detailed schedule in an attempt to avoid issues down the road. This parenting-time schedule is an extremely important thing to ask for in a divorce settlement.

Is it normal to live with your ex husband? ›

Although you may find yourself living with an ex after a breakup, remember that it's not an uncommon situation, and try to make the best of it. Self-care after divorce is extremely important to helping you regain your confidence. Establish boundaries with your ex and make the space you need to take care of yourself.

Can I live with my ex husband after divorce? ›

Beyond considerations involving child support and alimony, just as a divorced couple is free to cohabitate with whoever they want, they may also cohabitate together. Living together after divorce is a legitimate move that they can make. And there are couples who are getting divorced but staying together happily.

Can ex partners live together? ›

“Developing some rules will help to facilitate a respect for each other and your shared living space.” With a roommate, there are common areas and personal areas, but couples don't have this guideline. “If a former couple must live together, it's important they agree upon common and personal areas,” says Dr. Jones.

Should I sleep in the same bed as my ex? ›

The most important rule that you must set in place is that you and your ex can never share a bed if you are living together after a breakup. Sleeping on the same bed will definitely lead to cuddling and eventually sex. Even sleeping in the same bedroom can be risky because there will be virtually no privacy.

Can I sleep with my wife during divorce? ›

Answer: There are no court rules or statutes that prevent a husband and wife from sleeping together before, during or after a divorce.

Can ex husband and wife be friends? ›

At the end of the day, only the divorced couple can decide if staying friends after a divorce is right for them. While no one, including us, can make that decision for ex-spouses, we can provide divorced couples with a few things to consider before deciding whether to stay friends or not.

Is staying together better than divorce? ›

There's evidence suggesting staying together for a child may not be helpful when the relationships are strained, volatile, or violent; and there's evidence that staying together is better than splitting even if tension remains.

Do I have to support my wife after divorce? ›

As long as the couple remains married, the court does not set a time limit on spousal support. Maintenance on the other hand, is support the higher-earning spouse pays after the divorce is finalized.

What is nesting in separation? ›

Sometimes referred to as “bird-nesting”, this concept is put into practice while experiencing a separation or divorce and refers to a transitional arrangement where parents continue to share the family home and take turns being “on duty” with their children, according to Collaborative Practice Marin.

Videos

1. Shaq Reflects On Divorce And Mistakes | The Pivot Podcast Clips
(The Pivot Podcast Clips)
2. 5 Things to Avoid During an Uncontested Divorce | Divorce Attorney on Divorce | Porchlight Legal
(Porchlight Legal)
3. The Five Biggest Financial Mistakes Divorced Women Make
(powersse)
4. Don't Make These 5 Mistakes in an Uncontested Divorce
(Pacific Northwest Family Law)
5. Why you can't get over your divorce
(Victoria McCooey)
6. Top 5 Divorce Mistakes to Avoid
(AZTV7)

You might also like

Latest Posts

Article information

Author: Van Hayes

Last Updated: 09/18/2022

Views: 6458

Rating: 4.6 / 5 (46 voted)

Reviews: 93% of readers found this page helpful

Author information

Name: Van Hayes

Birthday: 1994-06-07

Address: 2004 Kling Rapid, New Destiny, MT 64658-2367

Phone: +512425013758

Job: National Farming Director

Hobby: Reading, Polo, Genealogy, amateur radio, Scouting, Stand-up comedy, Cryptography

Introduction: My name is Van Hayes, I am a thankful, friendly, smiling, calm, powerful, fine, enthusiastic person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.